I will never know myself until I do this on my own and I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed...I will never be anything till I break away from me...
What's wrong with me? I wish I knew. Why do I keep pushing away those people who seem to care about me the most. Why can't I care for them? I want to, I want to so badly. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to hurt anybody, not anybody I'm at least remotely acquainted with anyway. And yet I tell Steve I'll call him tomorrow and never do because I just don't want to. I hate the phone in most cases, and in the midst of such awkward emotions its even more repellant. I know what I'm doing is completely selfish and heartless and cruel and yet I can't stop myself from doing it. Why can't I just love people like they want me to? But I can't. Even if I could I wouldn't want to, I'm just that selfish. And even when I do love them I do the same thing. All it took last time was his need and my guilt, and one of the best friends I'll ever have was out of my life, without ever knowing why. I owed him so much, and gave him none of it. I don't deserve these people.
Bridgie, I've missed you. I don't want to do like he did, and get all needy and drive you away. You are the best friend I've ever had, and have been for a long time now. Really, you're the only person now I'd consider a close friend. You're the person I WANT to talk to every day, the person I never get tired of talking to. When we're talking I'm never wondering what's on TV or wishing I could be out at a movie or something, because you're so much more fun. I pray I can manage my finances enough to make a visit this summer into an actuality instead of a happy, but unlikely, dream. I mean, you've made a seemingly impossible trip happen, TWICE. It's the least I can do to try my hardest to make it happen this go round. And I want it to happen so much.
It's hard, not having any friends. Or rather, not having any friends within a thousand mile radius. Damnit, I feel like I'm throwing such a pity party. I hate that. This is the kind of whining that made me wanna pull my hair when my stepbrother was going through his 'I'm a depressed goth whom nobody loves' stage of break-ups. Then I felt sorry for him, but I couldn't empathise. I couldn't listen to him say that if someone just loved him that way, that everything would be fine, without internally screaming YOU'VE GOT TO BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF! Who you are is all you really have!!
And while I still believe that's the case, I also can't stop this longing. And I don't want so much to make friends around here. Except for maybe one or two guys from work, I've yet to find anyone I'd want to hang out with. And without a means of transportation of my own, I can't go anyplace to meet people. And even if I could, where'd I go? I'm sheltered, I have no idea where to find the kind of people who'd understand me. And WHY? Why do I need others? I don't. I need Bridgie. I need Jamie. You guys understand me so much more fully than anyone else. I don't wanna make new friends, I want to be with the ones I already have! I miss you guys...It's enough to make me wish I had the guts to move to Cali. [sad smile]
I hope someone comes on before I leave tonight...I need to talk to someone. Garg. I'll get over this melancholy, sorry if I worried anyone. Ignore the madwoman's ranting. ^_^
I wanna write. I have the idea for a fic...but it's so...heh. I've never written anything like it before. Never wanted to. Never thought I would. But oh I have an idea. I'm just kinda scared of it, that I'll botch it up, a decided possibility. Bridgie, come on so we can talk about it and you can pummel that writer's block for me, like you always do ^_^. [wanders off to do...what?]