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Crimson Obsession
homo sum; humani nihil mihi alienum est
Newsflash: I have no fucking father. 
15th-Jan-2004 06:19 pm
[Phoenix] X-Files Edgeworth.
I fucking hate him. The man that calls himself my father. Try as I have to love him, even when I don't like him, he never fails to do something to make that impossible. And now...now I'd just be fucking happy as a clam to never have to see him again. That egotistical, self-centered, selfish, greedy, hypocritical, chain-smoking, perverted bitch has just...fuck him. Fuck him. I hope to one day put him in a fucking home, where the patients are treated like retarded children and beaten regularly. Fucking bitch.

It's not enough that he takes all my mom's money. It's not enough that the government's taking half of EACH of her two paychecks to feed his greedy arse, when he alone probably makes at least ten times what she does, and his wife is even richer than he is. It's not enough that he expects ME to keep paying gran and taking care of her, when I'm as broke as my mother and he's living with his expensive truck, and his DVD player in his wife's SUV, and his Tivo television and brand new computer and nice two story in the middle of suburbia. It's not enough that every fucking word he says to me is either a bitch about me not having the money to pay gran, to take care of HIS MOTHER, which I'd always assumed was the job of the child if they have the money for it and a good relationship with their parent, or asking me to rent him some free movie because he's too much of a cheap-arse to rent it himself.

Fuck no. That's not enough. Telling me to start paying gran the money we agreed on when I moved in (which was never even agreed upon or brought up to me until I was a month IN the fucking house, with nowhere else to go) or to find another place to live, that's almost enough. Almost.

But no, enough is saying, when mom asked him today to pay half of the $42 for Tim's ACT tests (a test which, if he scores high enough, would get him an automatic full scholarship to the University of Memphis), he replied, "Why, so he can piss it away like his sister?"

Fuck you, you child molesting bastard. Whether or not I 'pissed away' my scholarship, whether I failed my second year because I stopped going (I only stopped going when I decided I didn't want to attend college anymore, because I wasn't learning a damn thing and didn't have any direction, unlike Tim) has NO fucking baring on whether Timothy, your SON, deserves a chance at college. And yes, maybe he will 'piss it away', but if he does it'll be for the same reason, college just isn't right for him. He at least deserves the chance to find out. And if you're too fucking cheap to cough up $20, the price of a fucking DVD, towards your son's future (because God knows you're not going to pay for him to go to college, just as you wouldn't pay for me to go to college, or get a car, or go to the fucking doctor or dentist or any of the other hundreds of things parents are supposed to do for their kids, should WANT to do for their kids when they can afford it) then just...FUCK. YOU. Do you have any idea that I go home and fucking sob my eyes out over your shit? That the closest thing to a nervous breakdown I've ever had, and hopefully ever will, was all because of you, directly AND indirectly? Do you even fucking CARE?

Yes, I have a new place to live. And I will be going there as soon as I can, to be with someone who loves me and wants me and you can go fuck yourself for all I care, but if you ruin Timothy or Trey's lives like you seem determined to ruin mine and mom's, then may you rot in hell and receive plenty of fucking karma on the way there. You'll get yours one of these days. Fuck you for slowly killing my mom with stress over money she doesn't have because she's spent what little she got trying to make OUR lives better. Fuck you for not showing an ounce of care for Tim. Fuck you for treating Trey like some bargaining chip, agreeing to let him live with you just for the tax breaks and child support from a woman who can't afford it any more than she can afford to live. Fuck you for trying to get us to live with you with offers of a car, and free room and board, and allowing everyone to think I'M being insensitive by making it look like I just don't want to wake up in the morning and take YOUR KIDS to skool, when you know good and fucking well just why I don't want to be anywhere near you you fucking pervert. Fuck you for trying to make us feel worthless when we don't meet your high standards, and for making half the family believe we're the good-for-nothing self-righteous and self-centered black sheep, including my grandmother who I love more than most of my other relatives combined. Just...fuck you. It'll be heaven when I don't have to fucking see you ever again. No, scratch that, it'll be heaven when I'm where I belong, with the one I love. Not seeing you again will just be an added fucking bonus, you hypocritical prick.

Fucking hell, I need Todd/Kurt angst and I need it NOW.
Comments 
16th-Jan-2004 04:09 am (UTC)
I do hear you loud and clear. I haven't spoken to my father for a long time, because I don't want to deal with his bullshit either. He just can't see me as an adult, and always wants to stick me with his family by hiding behind them, rather than confronting the issues we have before us first.

Tif, I know that in the end you will do just fine, because you got lots of people who love ya lots.

Anyways, don't get worked up about it. I got something you may enjoy. Check out my journal for some Van Helsing trailer captures I made, PLUS a link to where you can see the trailer online one day before its official release!
20th-Jan-2004 10:25 am (UTC)
Watch me be all slow in responding, whee! Thanks for the kind words ^_^. It always helps to be reminded that people care, you know? As my more recent entries reflect, I hope, I'm dealing okay, and just trying to ignore his bullshit. I haven't seen or talked to him since that day too, so that helps. Yeah. And as long as I focus on the love, the hate's a lot easier to cope with ^_^. [HUGS!] Thanks again, and I'll definitely check out those screencaps ^_~. I've been extremely curious about Van Helsing!
16th-Jan-2004 05:29 am (UTC)
I haven't seen/talked to my dad in ages... I can't say mine is worse/better than yours... but I do feel for you, and I understand. I lub ya much, Tif... and I'm around if you need me. Okay?
20th-Jan-2004 10:28 am (UTC)
[HUGGLES] I know you are, man ^_^. Thanks tons! Sucky fathers are made more tolerable by great friends, love counteracts all the evil vibes and such. Oh, and I don't remember if I ever commented on that entry you made, I wanna be kept on your friends list! What's your new journal's name again? :D
20th-Jan-2004 10:49 am (UTC)
dieselhamaski

I look forward to meetin' ya in March!!

Oh, annnnd... you should get outta there if you dislike it so much! :o Be with the Bridgie! You know you wanna!
18th-Jan-2004 02:23 pm (UTC) - Hoo-kay...
Anonymous
Organigua here.

And I thought I hated MY father? My father cheated on my mother and was going to leave her because of it while the unnamed Leeds lass had not a clue in the world that he was married and HAD A 14 YEAR-OLD SON, no, this takes the cake- child molesting, this sort of unforgivable cruelty? Seeing as you're quite in God's hands right now I won't recommend the vengeance to end all vengeances. This man deserves me biting off his fucking face more than anyone I've ever known, and I sincerely hope he gets what's coming to him.

Your life'll look up eventually! You'll see. YOU'LL ALL SEE.
20th-Jan-2004 10:38 am (UTC) - Re: Hoo-kay...
I think he cheated on my mom while they were together too, but that's just vague suspicions, I don't think she's ever actually mentioned it before. She doesn't talk about their time together much, and I sure as hell don't blame her. If he wasn't my father, by blood if not by name, I'd definitely extract some sort of vengeance. But doing so would affect far too many people I still care about, not to mention probably look like I was being aggressive and unnecessarily cruel because most people don't realize the extent of what he's doing and has done, I think. Only my mom, my bro Tim, Bridgie (and now, of course, a few people online) know about that darkest part of my childhood, and I'm happy as fuck to just deal with it and move on. And if the only major result is never wanting to be alone with my father again, well, I don't want that anyway so it's all good.

But I content myself with the fact that he'll get what's coming to him soon. Not to mention that he doesn't even wear the pants in the family anymore, his wife ownz his arse. And maybe when he gets old enough we can put him in a home. A really crappy one. And I'll drive around in my nice Humvee, the car he always wanted, and laugh and laugh and laugh. Aah, t'will be a glorious day, when I am rich and in love and he is old and bitter.

Uh, I'm rambling. Yeah. Thanks so much for the concern, and the amusing description of how you'd handle him XD. Brings a tear of joy to my eye just thinking about it. [sniff]
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