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Crimson Obsession
homo sum; humani nihil mihi alienum est
This is it, man. Jump off the edge and I'm outta here. 
23rd-Oct-2003 07:32 pm
Pete love!
So as of today, my count of people at work who know I'm bi/with Bridgette is up to three; I just told Virak in the car when he drove me home from one of our monthly meetings, and I told Aimee about a week or so ago. I've just gotten to the point where I don't want to hide it anymore. I don't want to say 'my best friend from California' I want to say my GIRLFRIEND. I really don't think anyone at work is gonna hassle me over it, and if they did, well, screw them. I'm still the best CSR Paul has, I'm gonna be out of here in a matter of months, and frankly, above all I just don't give a damn. If they've got a problem with it, fine, I don't have anything to say to them and they can kindly fuck off ^_^.



The only one I even think might be...weird about it, is Michael. He makes jokes about EVERYTHING, whether it's race, sexual preference; an hour of conversation with him will literally leave you hearing more jokes about eating fetuses, killing hookers, and necrophilia than you will ever have wanted. And that's just the way he is. He hates people, period. He's exactly where that whole 'I'm not prejudiced, I just hate everybody' line came from. He really does hate everybody, until they become his friends, and even then he'll still joke about them constantly. It should be unbearably offensive, but it's not. First off, he actually has a mental condition, so it's not like he's just doing it to piss people off or make a big show or anything. And secondly, I don't know, he's a lot like Jay, as Kevin Smith describes him. Somehow he walks the line between offensive and endearing...only in a far more fucked up way than Jay ever did, heh. Anyway, so he's the only one at the store I think might have issues about it, but if he does, oh well. I like him as a friend, but I'm not going to pretend anymore. And since I didn't tell Virak NOT to tell anyone, for all I know everyone in the store will know within a week or so. By the time I come back I may've been outed to everybody, and that's just fine with me.

And as an added bonus, it will get poor James off my back [snicker].

Virak was cool about it tonight. I started off by saying I couldn't wait to get to CA, told him I was planning on moving there in a few months to live with Bridgette. He asked who Bridgette was, and I told him my friend, hesitated for a second, then said, "Well, more than a friend actually." And he gave me one of those Oh-HO looks, that sound that people make that means 'Someone's got a boooooyfriend/giiiiiiiiiirlfriend' XD. But it wasn't any different than if he'd just found out I had a boyfriend, he just seemed a little amused by it. Asked me some questions, was like, "So does that mean you're..." To which I replied, "Yeah, well, bi actually." And he didn't have a problem with it. Seemed as interested in it as he ever is about people's lives, maybe even a little more so. And Aimee, well Aimee seemed to think it was adorable XD. We lamented the problems of long-distance relationships (when she came to work for us she'd just gotten back into Memphis after having moved to...New Orleans or somewhere with her family. She'd left he job at our Erin Way store and her boyfriend to go with her family, and came back to be with him.) And when I started going on about how much we love each other, how we understand each other better than anyone else, all that lovely mushy stuff I can't help but ramble about whenever I talk about my babeh, Aimee was all, 'AAAAAAAAW!!' XD

Hm. Two comfortable 'coming out' encounters, and for all I know the whole store will know about me in a week. Things are definitely changing now. Back in hi skool, even had I known that I was bi, I wouldn't have told anyone, maybe not even Tim, who I trust above everyone but Bridgie. Hell, I never even dressed the way I wanted to then, not until into college I think. I was such a timid loner back then, garg :D. And even when I started dressing like this, letting myself just BE myself more, I was always nervous about what people thought about me. Hell, I still am sometimes, even though I've gotten to where I can hide it well (I'm a decent actress, heh). But this...When I told Aimee, and I just told V, there was no fear. I wasn't scared like I had been at the thought of telling people before. I was just content. I really, truly didn't care whether they liked it or not. And when it was all said and done, I was happy. Ecstatic! And totally at peace with myself. I never thought I'd feel this way...

Babeh, I love you. The thought of how much is what gives me strength. The simple need to shout out my own joy for the rest of the world to hear, whether they want to or not, all comes from you. I love you more than I could ever put into words, and I just pray I'll somehow be able to show you someday.

And as for my much-vaunted talk with Paul, well...I was worried that he wouldn't like the idea of me leaving. That he'd not want to lose me as an employee and friend, that when all was said and done he'd still feel the (completely understandable) skepticism over a relationship that's been almost entirely carried out online; I really doubt that anyone who hasn't made close/best friends or met the person they love over the internet can actually understand what it's like, and skepticism in a situation like that's really only natural.

So I didn't expect much in the way of support, really, just a sort of 'I can't stop you' attitude. And I'm so happy to say I couldn't have been more damn wrong ^_^. He told me he saw how miserable I was here, without Bridgie. He said that this staying up all night just to talk the only hours we really get is nearly killing me, which isn't too far from the truth but it'd take death to keep me from it, heh. And he said, most importantly of all, that I have only myself to blame. He's right, and I've been thinking about this stuff a lot lately, that talk just helped solidify it for me. I've let my own fear hold me back. Yes, going all the way across the country to really start your life when you've lived by the grace of your family is a fucking scary experience, for anyone.But fuck, if Ressel can do it, if the tons of other people who've done it can do it, then I can do it. I've even got an advantage, the love of the best girl in the world, how could I possibly fail ^_~.

I can't allow my fear to be a crutch. And I can't allow my family to hold me back, either. He brought up the fact that mom really doesn't want to see me go. I think a part of that is her own fear for me, a mother's natural worry over her child throwing themselves off the cliff into the real world and hoping to God they can fly. But a part of it, I think, is that SHE needs me. I love my mother with all I've got to give, but sometimes it seems like no one else does. Her relationship with Allen is worse than a rollercoaster, sometimes good and sometimes he makes her feel like less than nothing. In part it's due to her own insecurities, but a part of it is just his own behavior and attitude. I can't bring myself to fault him for it, because it's BOTH their problems, but it often leaves mom feeling like she has no one else. I'M her emotional crutch in a lot of ways. Not to mention the occasional instances where she still has to borrow money from me... I don't think she wants to see me hurt, and I know being without me will be hard on her, it'll be hard on me too. But I think she's also clinging to me for her own sanity, and as much as I love her I can't throw away some of the greatest opportunities in my life, my LOVE, just to protect her from that. A part of me wishes I could, but I just can't live for anyone else anymore.

I'm planning on telling her soon. Really soon. I don't know how she'll take it, because she DOES believe that homosexuality is wrong; which I can't fault her for too much, as it's what's she's been taught by the church, there's no malice attatched to it, only blind faith in what the preacher tells her. But I know she loves me, and will continue to love me no matter what, and out of all the things I've done to freak her out (finding out I write/love the idea of two hawt boys getting it on was definitely high on the freak-out list, and I recall the first time I told her - she forgot, selective amnesia I guess O_o - the one thing she said was, "Just please tell me you're not gay." Which I did, because at the time, I didn't think I was XD. I found guys way too hot to be gay, heh. Well, heh...Wonder what she'll have to say now. I may tell her after I get back, that'd give her some time to come to terms with it before I leave for good.

My dad though. Meh, I don't think I'll tell my dad until I'm on my way out the door. He still frightens me to this day, enough so that I haven't chewed his bastard arse out for the horrible shite he's put my mom through. He's done little more than jack-fucking-shit for us, and yet still manages to make me feel like we owe him and are horrible horrible people when we don't do exactly what he wants -_-;;;. Fucking bastard. I love him (I don't have a choice, he's my DAD), and I know there are plenty of people whose dad's are worse, but he's still a pretty big fucking bastard. Paul's been more of a father to me than him OR Allen and I've only known him little more than a year!

Hm...anything else I wanted to mention...probably tons, but I'll just get to the big point. I now have a chance, a pretty damn big glimmer of hope for getting out of here a lot faster and maybe a bit safer than before. It could be the incentive I need to finally get up and just GO damnit. Paul made me an offer I can't refuse; I get one month. He'll keep my job open for me, keep me on the payroll and everything. I can go to CA. With Bridgie's mom's agreement I can maybe stay at her place; I'd give them some money to stay there, but it wouldn't be nearly as much as a month's rent on an apartment. I get a whole month to settle in, find a job, maybe an apartment or at least start getting some good funds for one. I've actually been thinking of getting a job as a car dealer (cough*assoonasIcanactuallydrive*cough) or something; good money, commission, AND I think at at least some places you get a car. Barring that I'll just find something that gives me a decent amount of money. If all else fails there's always Blockbuster, Paul will give me a recommendation that shines like adamantium, and my record with the Rewards drive and such would definitely speak highly of me ^_^;;. Though the last thing I want to do is work around Blockbuster customers, ew. But hey, if I have to I have to.

So that's it. One month to get started in a new life, with the one I love. If I fail absolutely, totally, and miserably, I can always come back here. And if not, I'll be doing what I've been wanting to do for months, YEARS now. It's a win/break even situation ^_^;;;. I'm planning on saving some money (REAL saving, if you see me buying more than, like, $40 of unneccesary stuff a month, Bridgie, feel free to slap me.) and leaving, hopefully for good, in February or March. One last Christmas with my family, a few more months to make peace with some people and let others know the truth about me. The next few months are going to change my life. It's frightening, but exciting, and it has to be done. I'm not going to live my life wondering what could've happened. I don't have regrets - I feel that everything that happens makes you who you are now, so whyregret any of it? - but missing this, I know would be my one big regret, and it's enough. It's not going to happen. With Bridgie as my support, I'm not going to let it.



In other news, we're losing our Rewards drive contest to Camp Creek's store, by about 50. FUCKBEANS. I'm still in the top selling at our store (I've sold 58 so far, as opposed to the 275 I sold last time, which was a longer drive I think and one in which I worked every Friday and Saturday night) so I don't run the risk of being one of the unlucky ones who get to go cover a weekend night's shift at their store if we lose, but we're being beaten and that definitely doesn't sit right with me. I've still got some pride, at least, heh. Tomorrow and Saturday are my last days to work, unless they extend the drive; but they're also the busiest nights of the week, so I should be able to sell a hell of a lot. I'm anxious to, it's just two more nights before the bliss that will be this coming week, so I'm all ready for it! Time to show my skills a little bit more, one last chance to shine at least a tad ^_^.

Oh, and I got my glasses. Tres cute :D. I love them, I hope Bridgie does too! [KISSKISS]
Comments 
24th-Oct-2003 07:21 am (UTC)
yep...you're in love. welcome to the only thing that is gonna matter for the rest of your life. you and i, our situations are damn near identical...except for the whole bi-sexual thing :) i only travelled halfway across the country but still. i did it for the girl i love. and as much as i hated memphis, i knew that all the people i had ever loved/cared for were there. i knew that id be leaving behind the life a had sculpted for myself over the past 20 years (regardless of whether or not i was proud of/liked it, it was still MY life). i almost cried (ok...so i actually DID a little) after you left that last time i hung out with you. as did i with just about everyone else. and make no mistakes, you are taking a colossal risk, packing up your life and taking it west. even with the memphis BBV safety net, anything can happen. all i can say is dont let anyone tell you its not worth it. it is. believe me. there will be people who think youre crazy, maybe even stupid. dont let them get to you. go be with your baby and PROVE. THEM. WRONG. just dont forget the people that love you back home..er...in nebraska. (holy shit tomorrow will make a whole year that we have known each other.)
24th-Oct-2003 04:38 pm (UTC)
Happy Friends-For-A-Whole-Year Anniversary!! :D [HUGS!!] Thanks man, it's great to know you care. Which I knew anyway, but still, it's nice to hear ^_^. I know there'll always be risks, there's risks in EVERYTHING we do, but at least it's a slightly safer option than just packing up and going, without a plan or anything. And hey, even when things get rough, I've been too complacent lately. I've got pretty much anything I'd need over here at gran's, (including home cooking that's put on a couple pounds, oi -_-;;;). A little bit of hard times might be a good thing for me, if it does happen. I work better under pressure anyway.
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